Woohoo, buổi tiệc nhỏ time!Today, after 22 years, I finally got promoted to lớn senior tech. My wife bitched about the reheated lasagna & I drank a fifth of whiskey. A celebration dinner lớn rethành viên FML
Cut shortToday, my first day at the job, I went up to lớn my coworker và began to lớn ask her name. She cut me off and snapped, “I have sầu a name.” FML
BougieToday, I went to the Louis Vuitton store khổng lồ repair the broken handle on my handbag. Upon Review, they told me that my handbag was not an authentic Louis Vuitton. I essentially paid $1600 for a fake that I can no longer use. FML
Size zeroToday, I have sầu been trying for 5 days khổng lồ gain weight. Which for me, requires stuffing myself to the point of exploding. I haven’t slept in days because I'm constantly digesting food. FML
IronicToday, I overheard my caucasian mother on the phone lamenting to lớn a frikết thúc that her future grandchildren won’t “look American”. Any future grandchildren of hers would be half Lakota native. FML
Narcolepsy? Boredom?Today, I was fired for falling asleep at work. I’m still not sure how I fell asleep, seeing as I’m a stocker và I was actively putting cans on the shelf when it happened. FML
ElephantToday, I farted in my office, assuming notoàn thân would come in until the smoke cleared. The new girl then came in lớn introduce herself. She had her hands on her nose the whole time, while we both awkwardly tried to lớn ignore the stank elephant in the room. FML
Gross dudeToday, I had khổng lồ beg my boyfrikết thúc to lớn get hyên to lớn take a shower và brush his teeth. This is a basic weekly argument. FML
Catch 22Today, I was at a friend's house; she left the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlochồng and told me that I'd, "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to lớn walk again," because she's in love sầu with me. I'm a gay guy, and she knows. FML
BatshitToday, my cousin died of a very treatable illness. She was pressured into lớn herbal và holistic "faith healing" instead of seeking "poisonous western filth". Her husband, church & family all seem lớn think she made the right choice. I’ve been shunned for disagreeing. FML
Parent-sanctioned violenceToday, my daughter informed me that, in order lớn train the dumb out of her brother, she’s gonna slap hyên ổn whenever he says or does something dumb. She’s slapped hyên 8 times already và unfortunately, each slap was justified. My boy is dumb as a box of rocks. Hope the slapping helps. FML
StuckToday, my friend informed me that I’m not moving in with him anymore that his sister is taking my place. Unfortunately, I'd finally gathered the money and a car to move out of state with hlặng. Just when I thought I was going lớn get away from this hellhole, I’m sinking further inkhổng lồ never leaving. FML
OK ShaggyToday, I was pumping gas at a gas station. An attractive woman walked by & the guy pumping gas behind me did a whistle/catgọi lớn her. She then looked at me and gave me a disgusted look. I didn't even try khổng lồ hit on a girl, và still got rejected. FML
Wake up barkToday, my mom taught her dog not lớn jump onkhổng lồ her bed without "asking". The dog figured that barking would be a good way to lớn ask, & mostly feels the need to vị that around 4 a.m. My room is right next lớn my mom’s, và I already have sầu trouble sleeping. FML
Some friendToday, I got fired from my job after I wouldn’t lover my frikết thúc $1000. How? She retaliated by taking time out of her hands to lớn compile screenshots of all my Facebook posts about talking shit about my trùm & coworkers and e-mailing them lớn our corporate e-mail. FML
HormonesToday, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and super horny. I also cried during sex with my husbvà because I can't orgasm. FML
Alexa, play "Dream baby Dream" by SuicideToday, I awoke from a bizarre dream where I, a man, was pregnant. If that wasn’t weird enough, when I gave birth, it was a pug puppy. FML
Loud và clearToday, I found out that my husbvà wants khổng lồ leave sầu me. I got the message loud và clear when his girlfrikết thúc forwarded me screenshots of all their texts. FML
Shiny shinyToday, my 8-year-old daughter came trang chính from school, saying she had gotten engaged & was wearing a ring. It looked real. Later that night, I got a Call saying that their son had given my daughter his grandma's engagement ring. My daughter actually said no khổng lồ the engagement, but still took the ring, FML
ClassicToday, I paid my long-distance boyfriend of 4 years a surprise visit. I entered his house và he got irrationally angry, asking why didn’t I tell hyên ổn beforehvà. Moments later, a female voice yelled, "Babe come baông chồng to lớn bed!" FML
Sex work is real workToday, I decided khổng lồ get bachồng into lớn exercising and healthy eating. Why? So I can hopefully look good enough to lớn bởi vì porn và make some money. FML
ButterfingersToday, I gave sầu myself burns on my inner thigh by dropping my curling iron. Instead of a đáng yêu date at a restaurant, I had a date with the doctors in the emergency room. FML
Op here! Unfortunately I was using a br& new curling iron that had changeable barrels. The barrel wasn’t snapped into place completely, so while I was curling my hair the barrel fell off & onlớn my leg. Because it fell off the handle I couldn’t piông xã it up so I had to lớn swat it off of my leg. Unfortunately because it sat a little longer than it should of (the temp on it was 450 Fahrenheit) it caused...
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Cujo, but for catsToday, my cat was incessantly meowing trying to get me lớn wake up & feed hyên. Because it was 6 a.m., & I'd hardly slept at all last night, my brain decided that the best solution lớn get him to shut up would be lớn hug him. The result was a normally docile và lazy cat giving me a nasty scratch next khổng lồ my left eye. FML
Late bloomerToday, I'm nearly 30 years-old, and not only am I still a virgin, I've never even had my first kiss. FML
You mugToday, it should have sầu been my day off from work because I did a lot of night shifts. At 6 a.m., my trùm called told me that my day off was canceled, because a coworker is ill. Now I'm sitting here on a night shift with a pinched nerve in my shoulder & a lot of pain, just because I stretched. FML
Tears for FearsToday, I realized that not only bởi vì I dream about sleeping or passing out, but that those are the best ones. FML
Slot machine addictsToday, I'm working in hospitality. I was serving a customer when another customer came up to lớn cash in from the pokies. I told them I'd be there in a minute, & they said OK. By the time I got khổng lồ them, they were complaining khổng lồ my trùm. Guess whose side was taken? FML
Overreaction much?Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping và shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained lớn me that the glass was worth more than I am và ordered me out of her house for good. I live sầu there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a mix of 4. FML
Not going well, is it?Today, I've been married for six months, my husbvà & I are in our early twenties, & not only does he have sầu absolutely no interest in any kind of sexual act with me, he actually becomes angry và irritated when I try to lớn come on to hyên. FML
Today, the gas station attendent was talking khổng lồ my fiance while our baby and I were in the car waiting. The attendent referred lớn our baby and I as my...
Today, I wanted lớn surprise my man & got some sexy lingerie. After getting frisky, he tells me I’m a f******ing whore and he doesn’t want lớn hang out...
Today, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and super horny. I also cried during sex with my husband because I can't orgasm. FML
Today, I paid my long-distance boyfrikết thúc of 4 years a surprise visit. I entered his house và he got irrationally angry, asking why didn’t I tell hyên beforehand....
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